What campus police do all day, with commentary from a cynical news writer
August 10, 2007
7/1/07
3:34 a.m.- False Fire Alarm- A fire alarm was set off in the student apartments by a candle. Maybe it would have been better to have sex in the dark.
7/2/07
11:31 a.m.- Car accident- There was an accident in Lot 23 caused by “improper backing.” There were no injuries and no good drivers.
1:28 p.m.- Medical- Someone’s shoe got stuck in the elevator track in the Arts & Letters Building, causing the person to fall and hit his or her head.
1:37 p.m.- Suspicious Occurrence- A visitor was driving like a maniac on the MacArthur Campus.
2:59 p.m.- Theft- A projector was stolen from the Arts & Letters Building, and later sold on eBay from a computer lab.
5:59 p.m.- Lost property- A purse was lost in the Student Service Building; the victim may have been too busy reading the UP.
7/3/07
1:50 a.m.- Burglary- There was a theft from a vending machine in the Breezeway. Way to stick it to Davenport.
9:30 p.m.- Medical- Someone was burned in Utilities, and not with reefer.
7/5/07
8:38 a.m.- Attempted Burglary- There was damage to a door at the College of Business, and damage to its reputation by Barry Kaye, Ph.D.
2:18 p.m.- Medical- There was a “disruptive patient” at the Memory & Wellness Center.
7/6/07
1:52 p.m.- Theft- A computer monitor was stolen from the College of Education and added to the eBay auction.
7/9/07
12:05 a.m.- Alcohol Violation- Someone was caught drinking outside of the Student Apartments. Maybe next time the person will drink inside the apartments.
7/10/07
8:56 a.m.- Panic Alarm- Someone accidentally hit the panic button, thinking it was the “party button.”
12:14 p.m.- Medical- A visitor fell in the Breezeway and was injured, but only his or her pride.
12:45 p.m.- Disturbance- There was an argument at the Student Apartment office about mailing a computer monitor and projector.
4:45 p.m.- Lost/Found property- A textbook was found at the Life Science Building, and a test was failed.
7/11/07
9:07 a.m.- Property Damage- A Parking & Traffic boot was damaged while on a car in Garage I. They’ll bring heavier tools next time.
2:19 p.m.- Medical- A staff member tripped on the sidewalk. Ouch.
4:50 p.m.- Suspicious Occurrence- A student heard a noise in apartment, but nothing was found. Maybe it was a ghost.
7/12/07
3:35 p.m.- Fraud- There was attempted credit card fraud at the Administration Building. “This is totally my parent’s credit card,” the suspect said while being dragged away.
8:31 p.m.- Medical- Paramedics treated visitor on the MacArthur campus, after driving erratically into a tree and tripping over a sidewalk.
7/13/07
12:14 p.m.- Burglary- A book was stolen from a professor’s office in the Arts & Humanities Building, and was found in the Life Science Building.
7/15/07
4:34 p.m.- Property Damage- A car in Lot 6 was damaged during an altercation, which is fancy police terminology for “noisy quarrel.”
7/16/07
4:32 p.m.- Trespass Warning- Trespass warning was given to a “belligerent non-student.” Brother Mica is back.