Florida Atlantic University's first student-run news source.


Florida Atlantic University's first student-run news source.


Florida Atlantic University's first student-run news source.


Ideas for a better FAU

ADVISORY NOTE: The opinions expressed in this article are not those of the UP, SG, FAU, most carbon based life forms, or the author himself. In fact if you find this article at all offensive you might just want to see a shrink…

They sit in classes devouring time asking questions answered eons ago. These are the vapid ignorant insanely opinionated mongoloids that ruin your day. Have you ever wondered what you can do to rid yourself of these “people”?

You can join my movement to bring a new business to FAU. My proposition is to offer Human Pest Removal. This business will be a humane way of removing these people from your life. An all inclusive price will include a specially trained team of displaced mercenaries, disgruntled ex-military members, and postal workers that will obtain entry into the home or dwelling of the offending individual and whisk them away to such exotic locales as down town Iraq, Gobi Desert, and most recently the molten core of the Earth. Your fees will also provide bribes to local law enforcement to look the other way, and three meals of bread and water, daily.

What motivated me to start this movement was an unfortunate experience with a guy in my Astronomy class who resembles Mr. T. He even spoke like him. He spouted idiotic questions about volcanoes on the moon. Why is this guy even in college? He needs to be in a little room where he can write in crayon and no longer waste my time.

Yet another instance was with one gentleman who while looking very much like Billy Bob Thornton has less common sense than his character from Sling Blade. This individual feels the need every class to rant for five minutes about something completely off topic. I’m, guessing that the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) prevents the professor from calling him a failed abortion attempt and shutting him up.

So if you are angry, tired, and enraged beyond all hope, put down the machinegun and pick up a pen and write to Student Government with your support.

The dilemma is how do we gather support from the masses. My first suggestion was to pass out fliers on the Breezeway during peak traffic hours. Quickly, however, I saw how this tactic would lower me to the level of those I’m trying to remove.

Finally, I decided that I should announce how globally important my business venture is. The hiring of well-armed and expertly trained mercenaries will keep these killers occupied and prevent them from engaging in acts of genocide and wanton death. If my program is instituted then it will also eliminate the need for U.S. involvement in many foreign countries as “police actions.”

This will also benefit FAU. Think of all the people that annoy you everyday. Wouldn’t you have a better experience when these idiots are no longer on the campus?

Parking, too, will be fixed. We won’t have to circle the parking lots like vultures looking for a corpse any more. With the removal of these riders of the short bus we will have opened up a noticeable amount of parking and now I can get to class on time without the need to stalk people with keys in their hands.

Therefore, if you care about the fate of FAU, nay the world itself, you must support my cause.

If you are interested you might want to check out movements such as Idiots as a Renewable Resource, Sterilizing Your Neighbors, and Zoos for Stupids.

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