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Florida Atlantic University's first student-run news source.

UNIVERSITY PRESS

Florida Atlantic University's first student-run news source.

UNIVERSITY PRESS

As you like it

Q: I am 24 and live in the dorms. My problem is not such a problem. I really like sex. I have several different girls that I call once in a while and the purpose of our relationship is to have sex. That’s all I want with them and that’s all they want with me. A lot of my friends don’t approve of my behavior, and I’ve tried to pick one girl but I just can’t. Am I wrong to just want friends with benefits?

— Pimpin’ It

Rosalind:

“Friends with benefits” always starts out like a good deal. You have somebody to fool around with, but don’t have any responsibilities associated with a monogamous relationship. You get the play without the pay, and sometimes it is just what you need to get over an ex, or to practice more entertaining sex with someone you otherwise have nothing in common with.

But, if you didn’t have a problem with your behavior, you wouldn’t be second-guessing it. Guys always get a bad wrap for these sorts of relationships, but I know just as many women who crave this same sort of relief from sexual frustration without the attachment. That being said, these agreements have many problems, and those who seek such arrangements often get hurt when feelings develop on one side, but not on the other. I’m sure that at least one of these girls thinks that your arrangement is something more than you want it to be. You said that you’ve tried to pick one girl in the past. Did she hurt you, is that why you don’t want to commit?

It’s normal to be afraid to settle down into a relationship. As long as you truly know what you are doing, if you aren’t ready to make a commitment, don’t. But I imagine the “friends with benefits” arrangement gets really old, really fast. When you are intimate with someone, you develop some sort of attachment. What do you do when this happens?

A final word of advice, please make sure that you are using adequate contraception. A condom is a must, especially for someone with multiple partners.

Touchstone:

Hey W.P. (wannabe pimp) it’s great to have friends with benefits, but you’ve got to set some rules first. I’m all for getting some, but still, don’t go around messing with people’s lives.

First of all, you’ve got to let them know that nothing serious is going to come of it. Second, most of us guys love getting some but remember to be safe, so like I once heard “don’t just pack it wear your jacket.” Another idea is to understand that while you have multiple friends with benefits, some of the girls probably do too, so don’t get mad at her if you see her out with other guys.

It’s not bad to want sex a lot, but don’t let it control your life and thoughts.

Q: I’ve been seeing this guy all summer. We’ve been seeing each other at least three times a week, and have spent hours upon hours together, talking, messing around, and just being inseparable. It was all us, all the time, nobody else, and it was like heaven. Now we are both back to school, and even though he’s been going to PBCC and I am here at FAU, we can’t seem to end it like we said we would. All summer it has been just us. Now there are other friends, roommates, and just other things to take up our time. We have arguments about stupid things, but we make up. It was supposed to be just a summer fling, but I’m not sure. I really like him, and I think I still want to be with him. How do I convince him that we should stay together?

Sincerely,

Summer Love

Rosalind:

Wow, this sounds like something out of a movie, but it probably isn’t as rosy as you make it sound. So you’ve spent all summer falling for this guy and now that you’re back to reality you’re having problems. Not a surprise. Maybe he has cold feet, or maybe he just doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by ending it.

You say “I” a lot. Does he feel as strongly about the relationship as you do? You say that now that there are other people around, it isn’t as “heavenly” as it once was. “Summer flings” are not supposed to be as serious as you’ve made your end of this one sound. It seems like you might be more attached then he is. You ask how to convince him that you two should be together. If he isn’t into it, your “convincing” will only be temporary.

Tell him how you feel. Communication is the key to any relationship. If he doesn’t feel the same way and you pressure him you’ll really lose him. Guys don’t respond well to being pressured into a relationship. Perhaps you can remind him of what a great time you’ve had over the summer and how you feel that you’ve bonded with him. If he doesn’t feel the same way, accept it and move on.

Another scenario is that you two aren’t compatible in the real world of school, friends, and roommates. Guys don’t like to appear “whipped” in front of their boys. It is hard to balance a relationship and school.

Summer flings and friends with benefits often hurt at least one of the parties involved. Someone gets an attack of the “feelings.” Talk to him. You knew that this was just a summer fling. Good luck.

Touchstone:

This situation happens more often that you would think, SL, the difficulty is that like people, emotions change. Speaking from a guy’s perspective, you might want to bring this up soon before it’s over and your chance is gone. The thing about guys is that we don’t want to share our emotions and expose our softer side. The problem is that guys will often ridicule and poke fun at those who are more emotional. It’s time for you to make some choices.

That said, it’s a sticky situation switching from summer fling fun to a serious relationship, due to the fact that it entails a lot of balance and sacrifice on both parties accounts. You need to decide how serious you want it to become for now but also realize that feelings will change. You don’t need to pick kids names and set a date, but do agree that the two of you are going to be monogamous and be there for each other to come back to at the end of the day. Unfortunately there is no “convincing” a person to be in a relationship, they either want to be there or they don’t. The confusing thing is that there isn’t just a black and white side to this, but a large gray quagmire in between.

The best advice I can give is one I don’t like as a guy: you need to sit down and have a talk about where you both want the relationship to go. So good luck and don’t make the talk too long for his sake.

Rosalind is a sophomore majoring in psychology. She’s been in relationships, and writes from experience, observation, and research.

Touchstone is a junior majoring in biology. He’s been in many different kinds of relationships and situations, and is truly able to write from experience and insight.

To submit a question or a topic to “As You Like It” please email Rosalind and Touchstone at [email protected]. The University Press reserves the right to change the contents of any letter submitted to protect the privacy of anyone mentioned in such a letter. By writing to us, you give us permission to publish your letter, and edit its content. We welcome letters from anyone, and the identity of anyone who writes to us will not be published. The University Press will not publish anything it deems obscene or inappropriate. This advice column is written by students who research any clinical information printed.

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