It’s that time of year again. Things are falling off of trees, freshmen are lining up for their first hazing and networks are airing their primetime offerings. Shows that have been in development for years have survived the test screenings, the critics, and worst of all the executives, are ready for the small screen. I’m going to pick out shows from the each of the networks line-ups: shows that I think are worth watching and shows that either will be cancelled or should be.
ABC
– This Disney network is tanking in the ratings, often losing to (gasp!) Fox. That’s bad. They need a hit, and they need one now. But do they have one?
Cream of the Crop
There’s nothing here that screams “huge hit” but “Lost” (a show about 48 people stranded on an island), “Desperate Housewives” (a critically acclaimed soap opera with dark comedy elements and a solid ensemble cast) and “Fleet Street” (a spin off from “The Practice” with James Spader’s character) may develop strong enough followings to stay on the air, or at least attract enough fans to warrant DVD releases.
Creamiest Crap
I can’t tell “Wife Swap” apart from the trillion other shows with similar premises. “Complete Savages” may have the backing of Mel Gibson, but not even him or his pal Jesus can save this show from overcoming the blandness of T.G.I.F. hell.
NBC
– The days of “Must See TV” have devolved into “Eh, I’ll watch it if nothing else is on.” And after losing two of their flagship shows last year, they need any reason to keep viewers
Cream of the Crop
“LAX” – It’s “Wings” but it’s unfunny on purpose! No, I don’t think this show’s good, but it’s not like I could leave this slot blank. Did you expect me to fawn over “The Contender”? It’s Sly Stallone and he’s not in a Spy Kids movie. You happy?
Creamiest Crap
“Joey” – A show that’s only one sixth as funny as “Friends.” A show that’s one million times as unfunny than gravy. But at least it’ll last more than a month, unlike “Father of the Pride” or “Hawaii.”
FOX
– This has been a crazy year for FOX. With their season supposedly starting in the summer (if you count tripe like “Method and Red” and “Quintuplets” as shows) and multiple allegations of plagiarizing from the other networks, Fox has developed a crazy strategy, which is to just film something, whatever it is, and air it. Because of baseball, their fall season won’t start until November, but when it does, the unloading of a gazillion reality shows will most certainly continue, as we’ll see more celebrities boxing, and more midgets getting married. Only on FOX! Two of their biggest hits, “24” and the juggernaut that is “American Idol,” don’t even come until January along with the awaited return of … “Family Guy”!!
Cream of the Crop
“House” – A show about a grizzled brilliant doctor who can solve many problems others can’t, but is a major crank about it. Like Nero Wolfe but with diseases being beaten, instead of criminals. The apt supporting cast of Omar Epps and Robert Sean Leonard certainly helps. Plus many critics have reported that the main character is too cynical to be likable. Finally, a character after my own half a heart!
Creamiest Crap
“The Partner” – A legal reality show by producer David E. Kelly on Sundays! What morons are programming at FOX?! Sunday has been and will always be the comedy block. They shouldn’t try to change it now. They’ll put this on the air and when it tanks, as it most certainly will, they’ll just give us more reruns of “The Simpsons.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
CBS
– Everybody loves CBS. Except me. They are the leaders in the industry, with several huge hits that consistently wipe out the competition for much of the year. While their strategy of playing it safe and relying mostly on franchises to carry the network draws ratings, will the network finally make a show I care about?
Cream of the Crop
Hasn’t “CSI” only been on for four or five years?? I don’t keep track due to lack of interest but I do think it’s a bit premature for a second spin-off. This will continue CBS’ dominance over television, with their formulaic fast-food TV. Why is it in this section and not below? Because maybe I don’t want to watch CBS and this will certainly keep me away.
Creamiest Crap
Whose career has fallen lower? John Goodman, whose returning once again to primetime comedy with the stale “Center of the Universe” or Jason Alexander, who along with the always likable Malcolm Jamal Warner, unite to star in “Listen Up,” a show where the balding actor plays a sportswriter. Let the “Seinfeld” curse continue and give the award to Alexander! Don’t worry there are a lot worse fates in the world than always being remembered as George. You could be Vanilla Ice.
UPN
– The black comedy and B-level sci-fi network has been the manatee in the lake that is television. Or something like that. Their Monday night comedy block has a loyal following, but it has never been strong enough to get the network out of last place. With an ace up their sleeve, UPN may be this year’s proverbial dark horse, lifting itself out of the doldrums.
Cream of the Crop
“Kevin Hill” – The ace up the sleeve I previously mentioned. Starring the remarkable Taye Diggs, “Hill” tells the story of a hotshot lawyer who must take care of his baby relative when the mother dies. The premise may be a tad on the hokey side, but this has been the highest praised show and has given the network that legitimacy they so deserve. And I’ve seen hokier premises turned into great shows. The hip, youth-centric “Veronica Mars” looks like a show the WB is going to regret not having as a part of their lineup eventually. “Second Time Around,” a romantic sitcom which is the only other new show this fall from UPN looks neither bad nor good enough to receive any type of emotion from me.
Creamiest Crap
Just about everything else still on the network. You didn’t think I’d let ’em off scott-free did you?
WB
– They’ll never be number one and they know it, but as long as they keep up the teen franchises, they’ll always be a safe haven for devoted viewers.
Cream of the Crop
“Jack and Bobby” will probably be the biggest hit, although I personally didn’t care for the pilot. It’s driven too much by its premise, and seems better suited as a miniseries. Although the potential is there, and that’s something I can’t say for the networks other shows.
Creamiest Crap
Someone thought it was a good idea to put Drew Carey and pals in front of a green screen for thirty minutes in Drew Carey’s “Green Screen Show.” These must be the same ass-wizards who thought it was a good idea to put Jude Law and Gwenyth Paltrow in front of one for an entire movie.
