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Q: I am in a great relationship. My boyfriend is smart, sweet and very sexy. In the seven months we’ve been dating, it has never been an issue that he is three years older than I am. We met in a summer class, and we had a lot in common, and things are going really well. I fit in with his friends, my friends like him, and we have good chemistry. He has one habit that gets on my nerves, though. He gets in these moods where he always puts me down. He criticizes my driving, my taste in music, the books I read, the magazines that I subscribe to, and my general ignorance of all things known to him. And he does it in front of people. My friends are amazed that I let him say those things to me. It doesn’t really bother me, but it is embarrassing when they notice. I don’t want to lose him, and when I mention it to him, he says that I am being oversensitive and moody. How can I convince him to stop putting me down in front of our friends?-I. M. Sensitive

R: Your friends are absolutely right. Why should you let him put you down? You are a person, and if the love in your relationship is real, you both need to respect each other. That includes him having respect for you all the time, not just in front of your friends. News flash: you are obviously not in such a great relationship if he treats you like crap. I think that you realize that, or else you wouldn’t have written us this letter.It isn’t just an age thing. It is a guy thing. Perhaps you make him feel insecure. Maybe it makes him feel more “manly” to put you down. Maybe that is what his dad does to his mom. In any event, it isn’t right, and you shouldn’t put up with it. Relationships are reciprocal. He puts you down to make himself feel good and that isn’t cool. If you put up with it for much longer, it is going to seriously impact your self-esteem, whether you realize it or not.

Mention it to him once more, but this time, be forceful about it. Say something simple like, “I don’t like it when you put me down. If you don’t stop, we’re through.” And if he continues to be a jerk, dump him. You shouldn’t worry about losing a creep like that. T: Yeah, he’s a jerk. It completely baffles me why girls stay with jerks. If he disrespects you, you don’t need him. It is a little scary that you didn’t see the signs of his condescension by yourself. If your friends had to point it out to you, then you are more than a little jaded by your attraction to this guy. You know, he’s older, and mature, and has a lot of connections and stuff, but even all that isn’t worth being with someone that disrespects you.

You’ve gotta realize that some guys feel that in a relationship they have to be the dominant one. They gotta have “control of their woman.” This is pigheaded and selfish. And quite honestly, the reason that guys continue to do it is because women put up with it. You all shouldn’t. Any woman deserves better than that.

My suggestion is to beat him at his own game. Don’t go for the low blow by commenting on his package, but hit him with the same stuff that he gets on you for: his driving, what he reads, his music. Let him see what it feels like. It is cool that you like him and you want to keep him, but make sure that you have an equal relationship. Don’t let him dominate you; assert yourself.

And if all that doesn’t work, find a nicer guy. You shouldn’t put up with his pigheadedness, and if he continues to be a jerk, get rid of him.

Q: My girlfriend is a great girl, and I love being with her. I really love her and I’d do anything to make her happy. The problem is: I do anything to make her happy. From missing nights with my boys to not going home for the weekend, I do anything she wants. And anytime I try to put my foot down and do what I want, she threatens to break up with me. As a matter of fact, anytime I do something she doesn’t like, she threatens to break up with me. I can’t be without her, and there is nobody else that would want me. I am so lucky to have her – she’s way out of my league – but I am losing my friends and my self-will. How can I convince her to let me have my way sometimes?- Sycophant

R: Is this girl worth losing all your friends? Is she worth losing your sense of self-respect and self-will? Probably not. Look – you are in a relationship that is completely one-sided. Those never work. Why is she a great girl? Why do you love being with her? She obviously takes advantage of your good graces and doesn’t respect you the way you respect her.

It is always nice to be with a guy that can take care of you and make you happy, but things need to be reciprocal. Does she do anything in her power to make you happy? Obviously she knows that she has the upper hand in the relationship. She can get you to do whatever she wants. In a successful relationship, there is no upper hand. Things are equal.

What would happen if you challenged her? Let her threaten to break up with you. If she really wants to end things based upon you not bowing to her will, then you really don’t need her, and you are foolish to stay with her. If she treats you like garbage and stomps all over you, you are not lucky to have her. You’d be better off losing her. But first, try to work stuff out. Tell her how you feel. If she doesn’t want to listen, dump her.

T: The best way to address an issue is to discuss it with your girlfriend. Unfortunately, this means you’re gonna have to sit down and have a talk with her. You’re whipped, dog, and it sucks to be like that. If you think she’s the only one for you and she is constantly holding the relationship over your head, she’s obviously not worth it. Again, there is no respect. Relationships should not be controlled by one person. To be successful, both parties need to back off sometimes. You’ve gotta compromise. Tell her that you need time to spend with your boys, and she needs to spend time with the girls.

You said that nobody else would want you. And I don’t know enough about your situation to know whether or not that’s true, but it seems like she might be using you, for whatever reason. You said that she’s way out of your league and you’re lucky to have her. Fine, but she’s still gotta make the relationship go two ways. Also, it seems like she’s kind of needy. Why is it that you’ve gotta go to her at the drop of a hat, and cancel your plans to do what she wants? That is not a relationship.

I’ve been there, done that, and after it is all over, you just feel used and foolish. Do yourself a favor: talk to her, and if that doesn’t work, before she can threaten again, end it yourself. Good luck, dude.

Rosalind is a sophomore majoring in psychology. She’s been in relationships, and writes from experience, observation, and research.

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