I don’t want to rock and roll all night (or party every day)

Some UP staff members, in their infinite wisdom, decided to make this year’s Spring Break issue about how to party like a rock star. I have to admit, it’s a cute idea, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have no desire whatsoever to spring break in rock star style.

While it seems obvious, it makes me wonder…how exactly would a rock star celebrate spring break? After all, there aren’t that many famous rock stars enrolled in a Florida state university (if any). Here is what I think the UP imagined, and why it doesn’t appeal to me at all.

1. Party hardy. A single viewing of VH1’s Behind The Music series would tell you that bands are notorious for partaking in alcohol and drugs to the point of ruin. I am not one to pass up a good time, but spring break, in my opinion, is a time where I can sleep in until noon and watch daytime television in my pajamas.

2. Spending money like it’s going out of style. I’m lucky if I can afford Denny’s during spring break, let alone staying in a lavish resort with my every whim taken care of. In place of Cristal, a soda. In place of caviar, a Grand Slam.

3. Pimpin’. The truth is, most college students don’t have groupies (I certainly don’t). The rates of STD’s are probably similar in spring breakers and rock stars though.

4. Going off to exotic locales. Maybe South Florida looks exotic to co-eds from Iowa hoping to a tan, get trashed, and get on a “Girls Gone Wild” video. For us, though, spring break is right at our doorstep.

5. Working on that sexy melanoma glow. Sunbathing seems so overrated now that I am away from the sunlight deprivation depression of the Northeast. A George Hamilton bronze is not my thing, because everyone knows that skin cancer is so passí©.

6. Flaunting a hot car. Limos, Escalades and Porches really stand out among the bland Lexus, Jaguar, Lexus traffic in Boca, but I really don’t think most FAU students will spring for a new car just to feel like a rocker. Maybe I could wear a Tri-rail pass on a gold chain around my neck, because the glamour of alleviating air emissions is so sexy.

7. Overcoming “exhaustion” at a spa. Can’t afford the $150 dollar seaweed mud wrap after guided meditation? How about the $80 heated stone massage with a complimentary shot of wheat grass juice? We all can’t live in such luxury, but the classrooms with broken air conditioners are a lot like the steam room, albeit with a decidedly less pleasant odor.

8. Xtreme Sports, bro! Skydiving, mountain climbing or flitting around on a Jet Ski is a lot easier when you don’t have a 12-page essay due on the first day back from break. For an FAU version of xtreme sports, just try to dash across Glades road during the peak of rush hour. It will certainly get that adrenaline pumping, if you survive.